That first KISS on LIPS, unable to forget!

that first KISS on my Lips !!! 👄

Mother is the best friend...

My dear and only daughter, 

Ranu  was growing day by day, 

and also going away from me day by day. 

I had started suspecting that my importance is slowly, but surely diminishing in Ranu's life. My reserved space in her heart is becoming smaller, and taken away by her friends. She was getting annoyed with me for very small things. For hours, she kept herself locked in her room after verbal fight with me. It has become rituals,  happening daily!

Once, I fall sick, became weak and forced to rest. Unable to look after our kitchen. Ranu had yet to get fully cquainted with cooking. It was blessings in disguise for me.  She now understood the value of a good cooked recipes and also staying near to me. 

As the night fall by, she was almost exhausted. She streached herself on nearby single sofa in my bedroom with her study book in her hands. But I knew she was not reading, she was thinking and sadness on her face was clearly visible. My 'sweet sixteen' daughter looked upset since her last birthday. She had arranged her birthday party with her friends for the first time away from our home on the hotel terrace garden.

"Ranu bete, come here,.... sit" 

She came and sat next to my pillow. My hand went on his head. Slowly,  my fingers were moving in her soft silky hair. Suddenly, she started to cry. I did not ask anything, but continued my fingers to move with love, directly flowing to her head and then to her heart. I was for sure, that she would likely to open up.

"Mamma, please forgive me.., I should have told you before......"  After a long pause and gulping saliva, she whispered " but I was scared and nervous, I thought you will be angry and also get hurt..”

I slowed down with my fingers and shifted to reach back of her neck, caressing gently.  I still did not utter a word, gave her enough time to speak out. She knew I am listening and waiting.

She almost unaudible, “ Mom on my birth day, Sanju forcibly kissed me, yes; mamma, on my lips” “It was Birthday kiss, but on my Lips ”

She waited for few moments to take deep breath and looked down first and then towards ceiling, “Earlier also he was passing me hints to be with him. But I ignored him always.”  “Mamma I am not able to concentrate on my study, since this happened. I am feeling embarssed in class looking at him. What, if I fail in my exams?”

It was now my turn to calm her down. I kissed on her cheek and smiled, “Oh, that is bothering you so much, since your birthday!”

“Now that you have already shared with me, so forget it, it happens some time during teenage! Don't worry.”

I gave a minute to let my words sink in her. I pulled her closely in my arms “ Do you like Sanju?”

She suddenly turned and became face to face with me, “ NO! no, mamma!” “ He is just like one of our friend in our group, so we do spend time together.”

Then she become emotional in my arms for quite some time, kissed me, "Thank you mamma for understanding me, I love you! " 

She slept next to me feeling the warth of love together. Since then my daughter confided in me about her all friends, including boys. I was happy to see her becoming normal. She passed her exams with 82%, not so happy, but its ok. She got her admission in other city and stayed at hostel with confidence to handle her life independently.

She still discusses her secrets with me over phone. Even once again Sanju tried to reach her via her friend. But, Ranu handled it on her own and firmly and politely said 'NO' for any further physical relationship.

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Hormones makes me Ogle! Look at!

My PUBERTY experiences if you are interested know!💗👄

My secrets ! How can I share?

Boys love that smell that I perspire, my body look, and taste of even my saliva, while we are taught to hate it being dirty, sometimes despise it or hide it. But, what if we love it!

During my growing years, I’ve had a pretty good love relationship with own body.  When I look at the mirror, fresh from bath; for minutes together, I usually pause and ogle, " how beautiful I am." God had gifted me, to have my individual separate bedroom having full size dressing mirror opposite my bed, to watch myself not only for dressing up, but while sleeping also. I fall in  love, yes with myself, my body!

I had my PUBERTY spurt and started to notice that my body is growing in some peculiar ways.  I exclaimed seeing that random curly hair under the little arm and above vagina, chicken-cutlet like fat had been around for awhile over my pubic bone and ribcage.  The problem was my growing process is seemingly exaggerating these things on full blast. My mirror had my company for some extra time nowadays.

I was unlucky that not a single relationship in my family ever sat with me, to tell me about the ultimate changes my body would go through; as it sailed through the puberty. The only semblance of a memory I have of is that an awkward conversation came from one of my first cousin’s girlfriend.

Oh, I miss you Mom! I wished my mother would’ve told me aboutall these changes, when my body was attaining womanhood. My body was transferring from girl to woman at a faster pace. These are the few things about my body  that have filled me with a hint of anxiety in the past few years, things I wish my mother or grandmother would’ve warned me about. Things I wish they would’ve mumbled to me on a random hot day, while we sat on the swing (ZOOLLA) discussing TV serials.

Hey, Do you want to ride on my teenage roller-coaster?  

Well, here the secrets unfurled.

I turned 14 this birthday, it seem it came so quick; my bottom and legs have become fat and rounder. I was asking myself, "Is it all ME?"  I was chatting with a friend (Dimpu) one day,  we were sitting on a bench in a public park near our school, just chilling out.

Dimpu: “Naina, what is happening to you?”

Me: *looking alarmed* “What…what’s wrong with me?”

Dimpu: *looked confused* “Why are your Jeans so tight like that?”

Me: *glanced down at Jeans; with confused face* “TIGHT  like what?”

Dimpu: *tickle at my bottom intently*  “You did NOT have such a round hips in PRIMARY.  Where did those curves come from? "

Me: *feeling little embaraased, "humm.. you naughty boy!"

Dimpu: "Also, to tell the truth, over the years….I  looked at your  bottom every now then –unconciously of course"

".... when  I had crashed in your room without knocking, those were not the same!”

[To be noted:  how do boys glance at your bottoms?  Well, let's just say when you stay with friends, you become as family and family sees random things, even private parts....  So, Move on....]

I’ve always been a early bloomer, in just about every aspect of my life.  But, when I reached my teens, my body started subtly confusing me.  One night, I pretty much woke up and I had a grown woman body that little girls dream.  In the words of some of my school class mates: “I had finally reached my teens, flooking sexy!” 

Today biology teacher informed that these assets are just due to basic female biological growth.  You see, if a woman’s body is going to carry a human baby, it senses it’s increasing fertility and it starts to panic.  And, what that means for the female is this:  more boobs to feed the babies it hopes to have, bigger bottom n wider hips for someone to hold on to, stronger pheromones to swindle and invite the boys in, and happy potential mates?  Oh God, no one warned me  into the puberty?

I’ve always had pretty baby bottom, smooth, and supple, pretty light brown skin complexion. Those acne prone years that teens stress about,  PUH…never happened to my chubby cheeks! 

Unfortunately, for the past 6 months I have had a love affair ( may be) with a nice boy.  It is an affair fraught with tension and ambivalence. It resulted in spoiling my baby skin with that ACNE.  I initially let him seduce me,  I had no idea what to do with this STUPID adult acne on face and on hips too! No woman in my family ever warned me that my pretty, smooth skin could become home to a pimply, red minefield. I wish someone would’ve warned me. Maybe then I could’ve been prepared for the awkwardness and weirdness and insecurity that come along with not being able to control the skin.

The most intriguing hormonal change in this whole growing process has been the increased, adult type sex drive.   Why didn’t someone clue me in to the fact that in this teenage, my eggs in my ovary would try to win the race? Some folks are probably saying: “Increases in a female’s sex drive, oh how is that a problem?” 

Well., that's the whole dilemma,  as we; teen-adult females are ramping up our sex drives and most of the teen-adult boys also  but I digress.  While inquring with a few older teen girls, they also "HAVE NO IDEA" syndromes about from where this sudden sweet or dirty urge to merge came.  It surely wasn’t around for most of us in the earlier part of our preteens years.

In the end, I know this whole surge in libido and the accompanying attraction of our bodies is just–again biology saying:  “please fertilize our garden, fresh, southern eggs.  Girls (now women), wake up, we’re ready to crush.”  

Now, I don’t have a problem with the urge(s), but you know—really, what’s a good, orthodox, Indian teenage girl can do?

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INCEST Beetween Teen Birthdays!

Teen Birthday, I will never forget in my lifetime!

Can Birthday have such never ending memories?

Oh..God!.. why me always...?

That horrible Night, was my Younger Brother Rajoo’s SIXTEEN Birthday!... 

So his close friends & mine came to celebrate TEEN Birthday at our small house... before evening few ones dropped in to help decorate the room with flowers, balloons, decorative paper cuttings and sheets. Manju, our neighbour had brought her CD player for music courtesy, as we did not have one. Cake and cold drinks were ordered in advance and collected by Hari, my cousin brother; while coming from his house, as the pastry soap was on his way to our home.

The brown and white cream cake was cut with best wishes song to Rajoo, at around 8 pm. Everyone had fun dancing on the rock music. It became very warm in that small room with 14 persons inside; perspiring out. I asked Rajoo to give me a cold drink, which he obliged for his elder sis. I gulped the whole glass in no time, without caring for the taste. By around nine PM, we started filling our paper dishes with Chhole Bhature and Jeera Rice, braught from nearby dhabaa joint..

Also the Party must have continued even after dinner... Gossiping, cracking jokes and singing song Antakshari. But I don't remember exactly how I was dizzy, my mind got a severe headache. I whispered to Raju that I am going to Sleep and you friends carry on.... I moved from that noisy room to our bedroom, which I share with my brother since the death of my parents.

...And after that, when I woke up in the morning, I found myself with a pain and burning sensation in my vagina, with surprise I found myself totally NAKED on my bed with a very large amount dried and sticky material on my breast... I shouted for my brother, andasked about all this stuff & who has done to me..? 

He replied me coolly that its OK as this was HIS sixteen birthday and I had desire to see your beutiful body. Hari also wanted the same. Hari only had poured sleeping pills in that juice glass, bcoz he wanted to make love to me and see me naked and feel my body. We have only seen your body and caressed.  He started crying and accepted his mistake to help HARI for the act. We never wanted have any sex... but while seeing and careesing the ejaculation happened and fall on your breast, which we could not wipe out. OMG.. what a birthday! Then all that blah! blah! blah!... cannot remember or write. 

I slapped and shouted at him...but then I stopped as I'm the only one who is responsible for Rajoo's life as our parents died in an accident 2 years back, when I was only Seventeen. I am the only one who took care of him as a mother, father & sister since last 2 years. I tried my best to console him not to feel alone without our parents, I must have hugged him with love many times during last 2 years, as an elder sister. Even I allowed him to sleep together in the bedroom, which was being used by my parents. Yes, I did my best, just to avoid the vacuum in the life of  Rajoo, after the tragic death of our parents.

He is only 17 and his education will go haywire and may not even complete after his 11th standard. What am I to do now, as only we two are the family? I was so confused, shall I trust their story? So I decided to take a PILL (I-pill) at the earliest to remove the chance of my getting pregnant. But I was afraid if I am not yet pregnant then after taking that pill may have side effects in future and if I will surely not get pregnant again in my life then..? I will not be a mother in my life then? Was it SAFE to take it if one is not yet PREGNENT..? How can I check myself?

I immediately requested to a counsellor by email for an expert advice on I-PILL & also how should I respond to as I am trapped in this emotional relationship!!!... I don't know why this Love and care emotions; all coming to me after all this, and still I am worrying for him!!!... I had already passed the time (without sleeping whole night & arguing, typing emails and waiting for reply) more than 9 hours passed.  I had to go to the medical shop and purchase I-pill. Wondered the shop keeper will easily give or not or will I have to face few questions? I thought of not buying from known and nearby medical shop to keep my identity hidden.

Counsellor email reply came after around 9 AM, suggesting to calm down first and go for I-pill and pregnancy test subsequently. She also inquired about my period dates and reassured me that the day was falling in almost low risk of pregnancy. Within month it was absolutely confirmed that I was not pregnant, as I got my period delayed by three days then regular date. But those three days delay in my regular period kept me awake in the night and increased my stress level.

Otherwise, I had also made a 2nd decision, decision to commit SUICIDE, as I was not a rich person who may afford an Abortion. I was only 21, worked in a call center, and earned hardly 20,000 a month to run the whole house and live for !!!.. And I was scared also and not ready to be a single mother! I would not have courage to continue such pregnancy in the society I live in and around.

..for Oh GOD, PLEASE forgive me!!! I never take a cue from my brother’s behaviour. I don't know how to say but I only know that my life has been destroyed forever due to my own fault...How can I explain, I don't know exactly...what should I say..? Let me tell U that my brother often asked during night to let him touch my breast as he was very eager to feel it, see it but I often replied him as it is a sin as I am her own elder sister. Also it is not good idea to see any women’s private parts. When once he gets married, he will surely enjoy more of his wife’s...I responded to him all this as a friendly & giggling manner., I just thought he was asking me in a joke or maybe YES, he was eager to know, see & feel..! But I ignored all these days that the urge will go beyond limit. I almost lost my virginity, I never dreamt of....

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